2019 Christmas Episode 1: The Turkey Snatcher

Dear MUB,

I‘m the chef in the family so for Christmas everyone expects me to prepare the Ham and Turkey for our family get together. Last year, I basically disappointed everyone because I waited last minute to buy Ham and Turkey and couldn’t find any.

This year I made sure I bought them early. Yesterday, I went into my fridge and realized that the turkey was nowhere to be found. I found it strange because I knew to myself that I bought both and knowing me, I would never buy just one so I opened and closed the fridge about 30 times just to make sure I wasn’t dreaming.

Against my better judgment, I started to brand some of my family members as potential suspects. I took out my phone and made a few calls. MUB, no one could tell me where my turkey went. I started to feel like I was going crazy so to ease my mind I went over by my neighbor and asked him to check his security cameras because he has a few that cover my house.

MUB, you wouldn’t believe who the Turkey Snatcher was. It was the woman I’ve been seeing for about two months. If I didn’t see it on camera, I would have never believed it. MUB, that woman is a professional thief. Based on the time, it looked as though she waited until I was sleeping, snatch my turkey out the fridge, took it out to a silver Toyota that was waiting outside, and came back to bed.

MUB, that was some mission impossible shit. That was a planned hit. This woman behaves like such a saint that I would have never believed that she was a thief. MUB, who steals a frozen turkey? If she wanted a turkey all she had to do was ask. After I saw the video, I didn’t even know how to feel about her.

I recorded pieces of the video and sent it to her. She hasn’t replied since. MUB, can you believe I was going to invite her to the family get together but only GOD alone knows what she would have snatched from my parent’s house.

I bought another turkey but I have to take some time and check my house to see what else she snatched because she has been to my place more than 5 times.